Identity Crisis

"Hello Eco Family, it's day number 62 and I am officially losing my mind!"

Little recap: we left London on the 26th February, we travelled across 12 countries, met amazing people, discovered so much, filmed, edited, carried out our vision, and then on the 4th April we arrived in Serbia; and everything has changed.

I had a vision, I had a plan, I knew what I wanted out of this new lifestyle, I was sure of how things would be. Maybe it was naive or egocentric of me to assume I knew what changing my life would bring; and yet I was sure. Someone asked me, before we left, how I could be so calm in front of what was about to happen, how I could be almost indifferent towards the extend of transformation I was about to endure. What they didn't know is that I was scared, however having a route, having a plan, a website, a business model, a structure to the way we were going to travel gave me all the security I needed to be able to jump.

Only now I realise that my "idea" of travelling wasn't that much different to my lifestyle in London: instead of working at the same desk I am working in different locations, instead of commuting in and out of London I am travelling through countries, instead of feeling morally obligated to social conventions I am the one making the rules.

I believed travelling was going to free me, and yet I was just adding wheels to my cage.

As soon as we arrived in Serbia, and the cage burst open! I didn't realise it immediately, but as the time progressed in the past month, as we made friends, we built connections, we breathed in the fresh air and explored the countryside, we got the time we needed to realise how much this very simple lifestyle makes us incredibly happy. And it messed up everything!

Now I am really free and it's terrifying. What do I do without spreadsheets, lists, plans, control over my life? This is maybe the greatest challenge for myself, greater than leaving my job and family and the place I called home for 7 years, because since I can remember I have always put so much pressure on my life, my ambitions, my accomplishments, I have to succeed and now that I understand I don't have to, I don't know what to do with myself!

What about this website? What about the videos? And inspiring others about doing sustainable things? What about travelling the whole world? Where am I going to be this winter? Do I want to put down roots in Serbia? Do I want to go back to Italy? Why do I have to be the example? Why do I have to lead a revolution? Why do I always have to burden myself with all these tasks and gigantic missions only to feel squashed by the weight of my own pressure?

I DON'T KNOW! All I know is that whatever decision I am contemplating at the moment makes me feel incredibly guilty, because I am betraying the expectation I had of this experience, because I "promised" something to someone and I made plans and I said I was going to do something and instead 60 days later I don't even know what I am going to do tomorrow! I feel like I am disappointing myself, I am disappointing others, the few people who follow us, I am betraying my 60 days younger self who wanted to see the world and "gave that up" for planting carrots in Serbia. I failed at doing what I said I was going to do. I thought I wanted this but I realised I hate feeling the constant stress of having to film every minute of the day, of being glued to social media, of putting structure to something that is incredibly fluid.

And on the other hand, I am insanely, totally, unequivocally happy! I wake up happy, I spend the day in nature laughing and joking with two of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life, and then I go to bed happy even if I am sleeping on a sofa pillow on the floor. Do I feel guilty because I am happy? Do I subconsciously think I don't deserve happiness?

I have to let go of the guilt, let go of the plan, rethink how I want to approach this project going forward, or maybe just let go of everything and let the current decide how things are going to plan out.

Right now I am just a mess...a very happy mess!